Jakkal (jakkal) wrote,

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Mortal Ponderings

I just found out that my grandfather died Sunday. I'm not sure how old he was, but I think he was in his 80's. Weird, Bow and I were talking about how my grandparents were pretty old and still alive.

I haven't talked to my mom yet, so I don't know what I'm going to have to do. I assume they're going to want me to go to the wake and/or the funeral, I'm not sure what's in the plans or anything. This is where my personal feelings of mortality clash horribly with others. I don't ever want to go to any funerals, except maybe my parents. But I don't want my last memory of the person in question to be their dead body laying in the casket. I didn't attend the funeral for my grandfather on my Dad's side. They were pretty upset with me because of it. But I was in Raleigh, that was memorial day weekend, and I worked for the vet (and that was a very busy weekend and there's no way I could have gotten the time off).

Now for the other thing. I don't really feel the loss. This seems to be a problem with me and death. I've lost a lot of people in my family, and friends and yet I don't feel the awful remorse and sense of 'loss' that others do. The only times I've felt that way is when a pet dies, even other people's pets when I worked at the vet and we fought to save their lives. But with people, it's different, it's like another stage of their existence. Yes, I'll miss them, but I don't feel horribly bad about it. I'm rather, neutral. Now I know if/when Bow ever dies before me that I'll just totally lose it.

I feel rather selfish right now, that my feelings of not wanting to attend the funeral are against what my family wants. My mom could probably use the extra support right now. But my grandfather has been in failing health for the past year. Shouldn't they have prepared themselves for the loss? Or can you? Was that a callous thing to say?

Guess I'll just hafta play it by ear.

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